Harder better faster stronger

Te busqué. Debajo de las piedras y no te encontré. En la mañana fría y 
en la noche te busqué, hasta enloquecer. Pero tu llegaste a mi vida como
una luz sanando las heridas de mi corazón y haciendome sentir.
Vivo otra vez.

Ever look back on things and wish you could do it differently? I have and you know, now that I've thought about it I wouldn't. I've always been the kind of person that did what I thought was right and had no regrets. I still don't. I've been a rebel most of my life. Most of the times with a cause but sometimes without one. And I still don't have a problem with it. Granted, life is what you make out of it, but you can't reap anything if you didn't sow anything to begin with. And that's the one thing I can at least say when it's all said and done. No matter what I may have done or not done (if that's the case) I have always sowed something. And when it comes down to the final moments, no matter which way those die may have rolled, I'm OK with the outcome. I am who I am and I made peace with that along time ago. I just affirmed that because hey, we all need a little affirmation now and again.

It's no secret that my family (not my immediate or non-blood for that matter) is shit. Always has been, always will be. I guess I just never wanted to see them for what they really were worth. Man, lemme tell you, death has a sense of clarity attached to it and when you are near it, things really do come together and it's so insane how crystal clear it all becomes. Would I have loved a different set of cards to be dealt in that department? Sure but hey it's not going to change and there really is no sense in trying to make it change. No one wants to for whatever reason so no, I'm not going to fight a battle that in all honesty I do not want to fight. I'm tired; Of the bullshit, of the lies, of the backstabbing, etc. I'm exhausted from catching shit coming from all sides because I'm the oldest and I should be informed of stuff that I seriously do not want to hear. I do not want to hear about anything anymore. We all know who is who and what is what. Lay it to rest. I could go and keep the fucking goddamn drama going but I refuse to. I never wanted to be a part of any of it. But somehow people think I obviously enjoy getting off on it. I just want to live. Live my own life in peace. I don't go looking for trouble and I bring none to anyone. Sometimes shit happens but other than that, I live a relatively stress-free and drama-free life (yes I know I'm boring, so what?). So let's call a spade a spade and leave me at "The Anti-Christ of the family". The Anti-Christ you say? Yeap but hey at least I know who I am and what role I play in this family and I'm quite comfy here, how about you? And yes, this will be the last time I beat a dead horse. I just had to vent a bit because someone decided that they needed to inform me of a few things that happened that I made myself blissfully unaware because I refuse to get dragged down anymore than I already have and I have never wanted a piece of bullshit. But when you bring it to my house and to my people that I love, then all bets are off (as they have been aware of that for almost a year now in September). So yea, I know and yet I haven't done/said anything about it. So do us both a favor and shut the fuck up for once and just live your lives?

I'm so proud of my sister. She doesn't know it yet but I can see glimpses of the woman she will eventually become and I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I did well. And just between you and me? I'm quite astonished. No seriously, there were a few times where I had no idea what to do or say but apparently it was right. Consder this my pat on the back for a job well done. Not saying I'm anywhere done but hey, since it's affirmation morning, why not?

I said it again, but could I please rephrase it?

It's been a while but a much needed break to deal with some things that have popped up along the way. Not much has happened except spending the most amazing weekend at the beach with some very amazing people. re-decorating my father's house and me dying my hair back to blue-black (don't ask).

This has been swirling around my head for a while and I'm going to try to put it into coherent sentences. Someone once asked me why I never wrote about certain things in my life. I say it's because I don't want my whole life up for public consumption. No, really I don't. I don't need the adoration or the fan-fare to feel good about myself. There are some things I hold near and dear to me (as well as holy) and those things I don't ever write about. There once was a time when I did put myself out there like that. And I got burned in the end and yet I came back and still put myself out there. I'm older and wiser now. I know what to write and what to keep to myself. And while I love to write and it's therapeutic, there are just some self-imposed rules I'm not willing to break. However here's a sample of what I mean (I dug this up from my last incarnation of SB). First and last time I will ever go that in-depth on this blog. Can't say I didn't give you a fair warning.

September 1, 2004
"It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels"

I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep. Nobody's really seen my million subtleties...I walked a thousand miles to find one river of peace. I walked a million more to find what this shit means. You'd be amazed at how hard you have to dig inside to find that true resolve to say "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" to those in your life that are poisonous. Yes, I might have alienated/let go of many a person in my life but I cannot stress how happy and at peace I am now that I know I only have those that care surrounding me. I'm sorry it has taken my mother's death to really see my family and so called friends for what they are worth. Most have walked away when things got a bit rough. Hell a few even pulled the "let's manipulate her because after all, she's doing so badly she'll believe it if we tell her it is her".

You think you know me. Word on the street is that you do...What others tell you won't be true...I hear you talking. Well, it's my turn now. I'm talking back. Look in my eyes so you can see just where I'm at. I know how much I've fucked up in my life and just how badly at times but it's a part of me that despite how bad I'm feeling at the moment, I wouldn't change it. It has made me who I am and no matter how much hurt I may seem like I am, I'm comfortable in this skin. My skin. The one I've always wanted to forget and never wear. But not only am I wearing it and feeling comfortable, I'm feeling very empowered about my life. No one has the right to tell me what I can and cannot do in any aspect of my life. That includes extended family (and I'm not only grouping the side I don't talk to; I'm also including uncle, aunt and just about everyone else). I refused to be pushed, bullied, corralled and threatened into anything I don't want to do. That's not what I'm about nor will it start being about that. I've always been very headstrong (hence why I've probably screwed up a few times too many) but I can always look back despite the outcome and say, "I did it my way and I have no regrets".

Got stains on my t-shirt and I'm the biggest flirt. Right now I'm solo, but that will be changing eventually. Oh got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark. If you want my auto, want my autobiography baby, just ask me. This wasn't a thought or moment that happened today. This has been happening since last week. I just chose not to write about it until I was rational and not wanting to lop everyone's head off...wait I still do but that's just semantics. At least I can sit down and write about it calmly. I can write coherently. There were moments when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I could not find that silver lining in any cloud in sight. But I held on (how or why I still don't know) and here I am doing better than I have been since my mother passed away.

I'm a bad ass girl in this messed up world. I'm a sexy girl in this crazy world. I'm a simple girl in a complex world. A nasty girl, you wanna get with me? You wanna mess with me? I may not know what the future holds but I'm not scared of it anymore. I know where I, and those who truly care for me, stand. And because I've had to dig deep down to the point of almost gutting myself, I have found a new respect for myself that I seem to have lost since that fateful day when my life was turned upside down. I know what I want and have to do with my life and the hell with what everyone thinks. I've heard the same shit day in and day out. "We know what's best for you", "We're not trying to force you into doing anything you don't want", etc. Yea my ass you haven't. No matter how subtle the manipulations and machinations are, I see them. I should know, I've been a firsthand witness to it most of my life and even been guilty of participating from time to time. Well, time to wake up because I'm not my mother in that way. I'm not blind to what goes in and instead of doing something about it; I put on rose-colored glasses on. Hells no. I may be my mother's daughter to the fullest but I'm different. I'm going to do what's best for me and mine and fuck everything else.

While I'm not going to say exactly what I'm going to do with my life (grandma taught me that you never speak about it, you do it instead), let's just say it involves a new beginning.

As for my marriage? It's been fantastic since day one and I don't regret anything. And before you think this is too good to be true, let me say in our defense that we are so not remotely close to perfection but we are perfect for each other in so many different ways. However, he is a big boy and does what he wants no matter how much I push and ask him not to (or to for that fact). But he does choose not to hurt me intentionally and if it make me happy, well then that's all that matters to him. We have our ups and down just like anyone else. We just choose to deal with the things, work them out and keep on going. The good times outweigh the bad times. And yes, if I had to do it all over again, I would. No questions asked.