Te busqué. Debajo de las piedras y no te encontré. En la mañana fría y
en la noche te busqué, hasta enloquecer. Pero tu llegaste a mi vida como
una luz sanando las heridas de mi corazón y haciendome sentir.
Vivo otra vez.
Ever look back on things and wish you could do it differently? I have and you know, now that I've thought about it I wouldn't. I've always been the kind of person that did what I thought was right and had no regrets. I still don't. I've been a rebel most of my life. Most of the times with a cause but sometimes without one. And I still don't have a problem with it. Granted, life is what you make out of it, but you can't reap anything if you didn't sow anything to begin with. And that's the one thing I can at least say when it's all said and done. No matter what I may have done or not done (if that's the case) I have always sowed something. And when it comes down to the final moments, no matter which way those die may have rolled, I'm OK with the outcome. I am who I am and I made peace with that along time ago. I just affirmed that because hey, we all need a little affirmation now and again.
It's no secret that my family (not my immediate or non-blood for that matter) is shit. Always has been, always will be. I guess I just never wanted to see them for what they really were worth. Man, lemme tell you, death has a sense of clarity attached to it and when you are near it, things really do come together and it's so insane how crystal clear it all becomes. Would I have loved a different set of cards to be dealt in that department? Sure but hey it's not going to change and there really is no sense in trying to make it change. No one wants to for whatever reason so no, I'm not going to fight a battle that in all honesty I do not want to fight. I'm tired; Of the bullshit, of the lies, of the backstabbing, etc. I'm exhausted from catching shit coming from all sides because I'm the oldest and I should be informed of stuff that I seriously do not want to hear. I do not want to hear about anything anymore. We all know who is who and what is what. Lay it to rest. I could go and keep the fucking goddamn drama going but I refuse to. I never wanted to be a part of any of it. But somehow people think I obviously enjoy getting off on it. I just want to live. Live my own life in peace. I don't go looking for trouble and I bring none to anyone. Sometimes shit happens but other than that, I live a relatively stress-free and drama-free life (yes I know I'm boring, so what?). So let's call a spade a spade and leave me at "The Anti-Christ of the family". The Anti-Christ you say? Yeap but hey at least I know who I am and what role I play in this family and I'm quite comfy here, how about you? And yes, this will be the last time I beat a dead horse. I just had to vent a bit because someone decided that they needed to inform me of a few things that happened that I made myself blissfully unaware because I refuse to get dragged down anymore than I already have and I have never wanted a piece of bullshit. But when you bring it to my house and to my people that I love, then all bets are off (as they have been aware of that for almost a year now in September). So yea, I know and yet I haven't done/said anything about it. So do us both a favor and shut the fuck up for once and just live your lives?
I'm so proud of my sister. She doesn't know it yet but I can see glimpses of the woman she will eventually become and I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I did well. And just between you and me? I'm quite astonished. No seriously, there were a few times where I had no idea what to do or say but apparently it was right. Consder this my pat on the back for a job well done. Not saying I'm anywhere done but hey, since it's affirmation morning, why not?
