I said it again, but could I please rephrase it?

It's been a while but a much needed break to deal with some things that have popped up along the way. Not much has happened except spending the most amazing weekend at the beach with some very amazing people. re-decorating my father's house and me dying my hair back to blue-black (don't ask).

This has been swirling around my head for a while and I'm going to try to put it into coherent sentences. Someone once asked me why I never wrote about certain things in my life. I say it's because I don't want my whole life up for public consumption. No, really I don't. I don't need the adoration or the fan-fare to feel good about myself. There are some things I hold near and dear to me (as well as holy) and those things I don't ever write about. There once was a time when I did put myself out there like that. And I got burned in the end and yet I came back and still put myself out there. I'm older and wiser now. I know what to write and what to keep to myself. And while I love to write and it's therapeutic, there are just some self-imposed rules I'm not willing to break. However here's a sample of what I mean (I dug this up from my last incarnation of SB). First and last time I will ever go that in-depth on this blog. Can't say I didn't give you a fair warning.

September 1, 2004
"It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels"

I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep. Nobody's really seen my million subtleties...I walked a thousand miles to find one river of peace. I walked a million more to find what this shit means. You'd be amazed at how hard you have to dig inside to find that true resolve to say "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" to those in your life that are poisonous. Yes, I might have alienated/let go of many a person in my life but I cannot stress how happy and at peace I am now that I know I only have those that care surrounding me. I'm sorry it has taken my mother's death to really see my family and so called friends for what they are worth. Most have walked away when things got a bit rough. Hell a few even pulled the "let's manipulate her because after all, she's doing so badly she'll believe it if we tell her it is her".

You think you know me. Word on the street is that you do...What others tell you won't be true...I hear you talking. Well, it's my turn now. I'm talking back. Look in my eyes so you can see just where I'm at. I know how much I've fucked up in my life and just how badly at times but it's a part of me that despite how bad I'm feeling at the moment, I wouldn't change it. It has made me who I am and no matter how much hurt I may seem like I am, I'm comfortable in this skin. My skin. The one I've always wanted to forget and never wear. But not only am I wearing it and feeling comfortable, I'm feeling very empowered about my life. No one has the right to tell me what I can and cannot do in any aspect of my life. That includes extended family (and I'm not only grouping the side I don't talk to; I'm also including uncle, aunt and just about everyone else). I refused to be pushed, bullied, corralled and threatened into anything I don't want to do. That's not what I'm about nor will it start being about that. I've always been very headstrong (hence why I've probably screwed up a few times too many) but I can always look back despite the outcome and say, "I did it my way and I have no regrets".

Got stains on my t-shirt and I'm the biggest flirt. Right now I'm solo, but that will be changing eventually. Oh got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark. If you want my auto, want my autobiography baby, just ask me. This wasn't a thought or moment that happened today. This has been happening since last week. I just chose not to write about it until I was rational and not wanting to lop everyone's head off...wait I still do but that's just semantics. At least I can sit down and write about it calmly. I can write coherently. There were moments when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I could not find that silver lining in any cloud in sight. But I held on (how or why I still don't know) and here I am doing better than I have been since my mother passed away.

I'm a bad ass girl in this messed up world. I'm a sexy girl in this crazy world. I'm a simple girl in a complex world. A nasty girl, you wanna get with me? You wanna mess with me? I may not know what the future holds but I'm not scared of it anymore. I know where I, and those who truly care for me, stand. And because I've had to dig deep down to the point of almost gutting myself, I have found a new respect for myself that I seem to have lost since that fateful day when my life was turned upside down. I know what I want and have to do with my life and the hell with what everyone thinks. I've heard the same shit day in and day out. "We know what's best for you", "We're not trying to force you into doing anything you don't want", etc. Yea my ass you haven't. No matter how subtle the manipulations and machinations are, I see them. I should know, I've been a firsthand witness to it most of my life and even been guilty of participating from time to time. Well, time to wake up because I'm not my mother in that way. I'm not blind to what goes in and instead of doing something about it; I put on rose-colored glasses on. Hells no. I may be my mother's daughter to the fullest but I'm different. I'm going to do what's best for me and mine and fuck everything else.

While I'm not going to say exactly what I'm going to do with my life (grandma taught me that you never speak about it, you do it instead), let's just say it involves a new beginning.

As for my marriage? It's been fantastic since day one and I don't regret anything. And before you think this is too good to be true, let me say in our defense that we are so not remotely close to perfection but we are perfect for each other in so many different ways. However, he is a big boy and does what he wants no matter how much I push and ask him not to (or to for that fact). But he does choose not to hurt me intentionally and if it make me happy, well then that's all that matters to him. We have our ups and down just like anyone else. We just choose to deal with the things, work them out and keep on going. The good times outweigh the bad times. And yes, if I had to do it all over again, I would. No questions asked.