Harder better faster stronger

Te busqué. Debajo de las piedras y no te encontré. En la mañana fría y 
en la noche te busqué, hasta enloquecer. Pero tu llegaste a mi vida como
una luz sanando las heridas de mi corazón y haciendome sentir.
Vivo otra vez.

Ever look back on things and wish you could do it differently? I have and you know, now that I've thought about it I wouldn't. I've always been the kind of person that did what I thought was right and had no regrets. I still don't. I've been a rebel most of my life. Most of the times with a cause but sometimes without one. And I still don't have a problem with it. Granted, life is what you make out of it, but you can't reap anything if you didn't sow anything to begin with. And that's the one thing I can at least say when it's all said and done. No matter what I may have done or not done (if that's the case) I have always sowed something. And when it comes down to the final moments, no matter which way those die may have rolled, I'm OK with the outcome. I am who I am and I made peace with that along time ago. I just affirmed that because hey, we all need a little affirmation now and again.

It's no secret that my family (not my immediate or non-blood for that matter) is shit. Always has been, always will be. I guess I just never wanted to see them for what they really were worth. Man, lemme tell you, death has a sense of clarity attached to it and when you are near it, things really do come together and it's so insane how crystal clear it all becomes. Would I have loved a different set of cards to be dealt in that department? Sure but hey it's not going to change and there really is no sense in trying to make it change. No one wants to for whatever reason so no, I'm not going to fight a battle that in all honesty I do not want to fight. I'm tired; Of the bullshit, of the lies, of the backstabbing, etc. I'm exhausted from catching shit coming from all sides because I'm the oldest and I should be informed of stuff that I seriously do not want to hear. I do not want to hear about anything anymore. We all know who is who and what is what. Lay it to rest. I could go and keep the fucking goddamn drama going but I refuse to. I never wanted to be a part of any of it. But somehow people think I obviously enjoy getting off on it. I just want to live. Live my own life in peace. I don't go looking for trouble and I bring none to anyone. Sometimes shit happens but other than that, I live a relatively stress-free and drama-free life (yes I know I'm boring, so what?). So let's call a spade a spade and leave me at "The Anti-Christ of the family". The Anti-Christ you say? Yeap but hey at least I know who I am and what role I play in this family and I'm quite comfy here, how about you? And yes, this will be the last time I beat a dead horse. I just had to vent a bit because someone decided that they needed to inform me of a few things that happened that I made myself blissfully unaware because I refuse to get dragged down anymore than I already have and I have never wanted a piece of bullshit. But when you bring it to my house and to my people that I love, then all bets are off (as they have been aware of that for almost a year now in September). So yea, I know and yet I haven't done/said anything about it. So do us both a favor and shut the fuck up for once and just live your lives?

I'm so proud of my sister. She doesn't know it yet but I can see glimpses of the woman she will eventually become and I could not be any more proud of her than I am. I did well. And just between you and me? I'm quite astonished. No seriously, there were a few times where I had no idea what to do or say but apparently it was right. Consder this my pat on the back for a job well done. Not saying I'm anywhere done but hey, since it's affirmation morning, why not?

I said it again, but could I please rephrase it?

It's been a while but a much needed break to deal with some things that have popped up along the way. Not much has happened except spending the most amazing weekend at the beach with some very amazing people. re-decorating my father's house and me dying my hair back to blue-black (don't ask).

This has been swirling around my head for a while and I'm going to try to put it into coherent sentences. Someone once asked me why I never wrote about certain things in my life. I say it's because I don't want my whole life up for public consumption. No, really I don't. I don't need the adoration or the fan-fare to feel good about myself. There are some things I hold near and dear to me (as well as holy) and those things I don't ever write about. There once was a time when I did put myself out there like that. And I got burned in the end and yet I came back and still put myself out there. I'm older and wiser now. I know what to write and what to keep to myself. And while I love to write and it's therapeutic, there are just some self-imposed rules I'm not willing to break. However here's a sample of what I mean (I dug this up from my last incarnation of SB). First and last time I will ever go that in-depth on this blog. Can't say I didn't give you a fair warning.

September 1, 2004
"It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels"

I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep. Nobody's really seen my million subtleties...I walked a thousand miles to find one river of peace. I walked a million more to find what this shit means. You'd be amazed at how hard you have to dig inside to find that true resolve to say "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" to those in your life that are poisonous. Yes, I might have alienated/let go of many a person in my life but I cannot stress how happy and at peace I am now that I know I only have those that care surrounding me. I'm sorry it has taken my mother's death to really see my family and so called friends for what they are worth. Most have walked away when things got a bit rough. Hell a few even pulled the "let's manipulate her because after all, she's doing so badly she'll believe it if we tell her it is her".

You think you know me. Word on the street is that you do...What others tell you won't be true...I hear you talking. Well, it's my turn now. I'm talking back. Look in my eyes so you can see just where I'm at. I know how much I've fucked up in my life and just how badly at times but it's a part of me that despite how bad I'm feeling at the moment, I wouldn't change it. It has made me who I am and no matter how much hurt I may seem like I am, I'm comfortable in this skin. My skin. The one I've always wanted to forget and never wear. But not only am I wearing it and feeling comfortable, I'm feeling very empowered about my life. No one has the right to tell me what I can and cannot do in any aspect of my life. That includes extended family (and I'm not only grouping the side I don't talk to; I'm also including uncle, aunt and just about everyone else). I refused to be pushed, bullied, corralled and threatened into anything I don't want to do. That's not what I'm about nor will it start being about that. I've always been very headstrong (hence why I've probably screwed up a few times too many) but I can always look back despite the outcome and say, "I did it my way and I have no regrets".

Got stains on my t-shirt and I'm the biggest flirt. Right now I'm solo, but that will be changing eventually. Oh got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark. If you want my auto, want my autobiography baby, just ask me. This wasn't a thought or moment that happened today. This has been happening since last week. I just chose not to write about it until I was rational and not wanting to lop everyone's head off...wait I still do but that's just semantics. At least I can sit down and write about it calmly. I can write coherently. There were moments when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I could not find that silver lining in any cloud in sight. But I held on (how or why I still don't know) and here I am doing better than I have been since my mother passed away.

I'm a bad ass girl in this messed up world. I'm a sexy girl in this crazy world. I'm a simple girl in a complex world. A nasty girl, you wanna get with me? You wanna mess with me? I may not know what the future holds but I'm not scared of it anymore. I know where I, and those who truly care for me, stand. And because I've had to dig deep down to the point of almost gutting myself, I have found a new respect for myself that I seem to have lost since that fateful day when my life was turned upside down. I know what I want and have to do with my life and the hell with what everyone thinks. I've heard the same shit day in and day out. "We know what's best for you", "We're not trying to force you into doing anything you don't want", etc. Yea my ass you haven't. No matter how subtle the manipulations and machinations are, I see them. I should know, I've been a firsthand witness to it most of my life and even been guilty of participating from time to time. Well, time to wake up because I'm not my mother in that way. I'm not blind to what goes in and instead of doing something about it; I put on rose-colored glasses on. Hells no. I may be my mother's daughter to the fullest but I'm different. I'm going to do what's best for me and mine and fuck everything else.

While I'm not going to say exactly what I'm going to do with my life (grandma taught me that you never speak about it, you do it instead), let's just say it involves a new beginning.

As for my marriage? It's been fantastic since day one and I don't regret anything. And before you think this is too good to be true, let me say in our defense that we are so not remotely close to perfection but we are perfect for each other in so many different ways. However, he is a big boy and does what he wants no matter how much I push and ask him not to (or to for that fact). But he does choose not to hurt me intentionally and if it make me happy, well then that's all that matters to him. We have our ups and down just like anyone else. We just choose to deal with the things, work them out and keep on going. The good times outweigh the bad times. And yes, if I had to do it all over again, I would. No questions asked.

Because if I don't get this, I can't call myself anymore

You know I'm so buying this when it comes out.

Please stay tuned for the beginning of a mini-series of "How to be a a SMFBSB™". You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll feel better when it's all over.

No one ever said it was painless...

Ever wake up early and wonder what the hell you're gonna do for the rest of the morning? Yea it sucks. So I do what any girl would do. I do each and ever single beauty routine that I semi-neglect due to time constraints. Which of course is a waste of time because now I'm thinking of laying out on the deck and tanning and maybe taking a swim in the pool. On that note, I'm going to wash off my clay mask and contemplate whether I should enjoy the gorgeous day outside. Maybe if I just relax outside, I'll be able to put unto words whats been swirling around in my head for the past few weeks

Now, complete with Technicolor!

Can we say Post-processing up the wazoo?
© Anna 2007
(yes even the over-processed trademark flipflop tan line courtesy of South Florida)

It's no secret that I've been coveting a big girl camera for quite a while now. And when MAG™ bought me one, I was actually intimidated. What's a girl supposed to do with a gazillion settings and buttons? I read and re-read the manual until I ripped one of the pages out by mistake. I think I have the Simple Mode for Dummies™ down pat. You know, the setting where the camera actually shows exactly how much more intelligent it is than you and automatically adjusts itself for the best possible shot all by it's little demonic self. Sure, I adjust those setting a bit but, really, who am I kidding?

Sometimes, I rue the day when I got the dSLR. I mean, sure it's all technologically advanced and gorgeous but it's not the same as a SLR film camera. I can work a SLR film camera like it's nobody's business (Thanks dad! Oh and thanks for the love you taught me for Nikon!). I know film and film knows me. Maybe it's the comfort factor of shooting with film that I love or maybe it's because I actually know what I'm doing. Granted, it helps that I've been knowing what to do since I was 9 or so. But man, I'm struggling with my new camera like I was an idiot. I was thinking last night that maybe I should invest in some photography classes or even books so I can learn to use the damn camera that cost MAG™ a heart attack or two.

Besides that, the composition could use some work as well but that's just something that practice will give me. Shooting in RAW mode is quite interesting but I'll get the last few tweaks down soon. However, this mode allows me to have fun with the photos when I'm processing them. OMG the details! The color corrections! It's heaven, at least for me. You see, I have a penchant for controlling down to the most minimal detail of a photograph and now I can. Besides, where else am I going to get spectacular black and white photography or shots that are over saturated just enough to make them more dramatic? I'm such a geek, I admit it. Can you tell that my Nikon, my Toshiba and Photoshop CS2 (in the process of upgrading to CS3) are going to be the best of friends? I think so and it's such a bright future, I just gotta wear my shades.

You know I didn't even know her name but I was never going to be the same...What a night.

I don't know what possessed me to wake up at this ungodly hour of the night and write. I mean, yes I know I have been slacking in the content department for a few days now but still, to have this urge to get up, wake up Lilith (my laptop for those who don't know) and log in still amazes me.

I guess there something intimate and introspective about bubble baths. I know I do my best thinking in the shower, especially when I'm soaking for extended periods of time. There really is nothing of utmost importance that is taking up all my undivided attention. Sure, there are some minor annoyances that we shall not discuss because I really do not feel like arguing with my sister. However, I guess it's just me thinking in general. I once read the following: "how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?" The answer to that is she doesn't. And that's how I've been feeling lately with all these thing surmounting me. I mean, sure familial stuff will always be there and short of killing them off, it's not going to change. I guess I should take some comfort in the fact that the rest of the family doesn't believe them nor do they take any kind of pity/sympathy/empathy. And they all know what cloth they are cut out of. But in some ways, it doesn't. And I don't know why.

In other news, my paternal grandmother passed away on Monday, July 16th. While the waterworks weren't there, I did feel empathetic towards my father. No matter what may his mother may have done in the past, in the end, that was his mother.

Yesterday was rather relaxing and lazy. Played some Hexic Deluxe, watched a crap load of HBO Comedy whilst cuddling with MAG™. Then I headed off for a nice relaxing bubble bath/soak and did some "me" meditation. Quite, funny how when you're brutally honest with yourself, how liberated you feel in the end. And that, my friends, is the best feeling in the world. Sure, feeling like butter sure does sweeten the deal, no pun intended. I think I shall leave you with a gem my father used to quote all the time; "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition" - Monty Python

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold...Try to battle my boys? That's not legal.

A double ear (i.e. each ear has it) infection and things are just fantastic. No, really. Besides, what fun would it be if MAG™ wouldn't have kidney stones plus an infection on said kidney? Oh and lets not forget our piece of shit insurance that for some weird reason wouldn't cover his x-rays but covered mine on the same day? WTF? I give up for today although our current status for his x-rays is "screwed". Maybe tomorrow it will be "confused" and I'll have a better day when it comes to dealing with the idiots that work for our insurance.

Don't even get me started on government offices. Oh and especially on family bullshit that seems to be growing by the second. I just don't understand, now, after my grandmother almost dies, does my uncle now comes to the front and center and acts like he's always given a shit. What about us (my mother when she was alive, my father, my sister and I) that have always kept her near and an eye out on her since before I was born? Oh wait, we don't fucking matter. Who cares if we're the ones that paid her bills, took her to her medical appointments, took her in to live with us when she got to old to be on her own? That's just a minor technicality. I mean really, does it matter at all that she's never spent more than a day or two at a time with her two grandsons and maybe a total of 20 days with her youngest granddaughter in her 15 years of her life because my uncle and aunt could not be bothered at all to include her in their life? Why would it? But you know what? As much as it bothers me, it's all perfectly fine and dandy with me. My conscience is clear. I did what I have been able to and enjoyed my grandmother for 28 beautiful years and that's more than I can say for some people. I don't have to race against a clock to spend as much time as I can. Besides, at the end when it matters I can say that although I have washed my hands completely towards the end, I was there through out it all.

Oy vey, I seriously need a fucking vacation and a drug habit just to get through the rest of my life with this shit. Or a really long fucking nap…